He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.  ~Raymond Hull

Being yourself. It’s something everyone struggles with. First finding yourself and then being true to yourself. It took 8 years, 1,386 kilometres, losing friends, new friends, and being open to feeling emotions I’ve never felt before that finally led me to myself. There were times I wanted to give up. It wasn’t always easy. There are still things from my past that I struggle with. Hurting my body in order to get my emotions out, I had to go through it. Looking back now I realize I couldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t gone through it.

I had amazing friends growing up. I can’t begin to explain how much each and every one of them meant to me. I may have forgotten their phone numbers or e-mails but I will never forget the things that I’ve learned from them. Strength, confidence, love, they taught it all to me. I love you all so much. Forgive me for being a stranger. I know things can’t go back to the way they were before, and honestly I wouldn’t want them to. I just hope you look back on those days and realize you’ve found yourself since then. And to be yourself is all that you can do.

It wasn’t until this year that I found myself. One of my best friends was with me every step of the way and helped me in so many ways. I am so thankful to her for always being there for me and encouraging me to not change for other people. I just hope one day she follows her own advice. Stop being what people want you to be. I love you for being you, and people that don’t appreciate you, don’t deserve to be your friend. And to be yourself is all that you can do.

To everyone out there trying to find yourself, don’t give up. Don’t conform to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Be the person beyond who you think you can be. Go further, jump higher, run faster, then you’ve ever dreamed possible. Jump at the opportunities that come your way, don’t look back in 20 years and have regrets, don’t ever wonder “what if”. And to be yourself is all that you can do.

It’s thanksgiving this weekend. I’m thankful for so much, friends, family, my home, and the fact that I am no longer ashamed to be myself. Some people might not like me, but there will always be people out there that don’t like me. All I need to do is focus on the people that do like me, for being me. And to be yourself is all that you can do.

m.

*Audioslave

Someone falls to pieces, Sleeping all alone, Someone kills the pain, Spinning in the silence, She finally drifts away, Someone gets excited, In a chapel yard, And catches a bouquet, Another lays a dozen, White roses on a grave, Someone finds salvation in everyone, Another only pain, Someone tries to hide himself, Down inside himself he prays, Someone swears his true love, Until the end of time, Another runs away, Separate or united, Healthy or insane,

 And to be yourself is all that you can do

I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate – but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza. – Alf Whit

I use to think I had major commitment issues, but recently I’ve realized it’s not the commitment part I have problems with, it’s the relationship part, the “hi boyfriend”, and “let’s give each other pet names” part. I’ve never been the “cutsie” girl. It was just never me. I’m going to have to say it has something to do with the fact that I’m the only girl in a family of seven kids. I use to try to be girly; try to be the girl I thought my mom always wanted. But it’s just not me.

People say I have a guy’s mentality. I never wanted to be in a relationship, I just wanted to have fun, be friends with guys. Why mess it up with emotions and sexual attraction? Since I was homeschooled, I was only ever around guys and so in a way I feel more comfortable around them. I can tell what they’re thinking. Most girls over think everything while guys are usually much more practical and upfront. Why take 50 words to say something when it can be said in 3? I have an amazing best friend, and I love her lots, but there are times when I just have to smile and shake my head at the way she’s thinking.

 Most girls, (and I say most girls because there are definitely some girls out there that don’t think this way at all) say things wanting the guy to figure out what they “really” mean with what they said. And I use to think that was what relationships were. The girl says something hoping the guy will figure it out. Why not just say it like it is?

 Honestly all the relationships around me were like that. Friends, siblings, parents, television, they all portrayed relationships that way. They all made me never want to be a part of one, which resulted in me thinking I was afraid of commitment. I’m not. I’m not afraid of commitment or even relationships for that matter. I guess I’m just realizing I don’t like the word “relationship” because of the way it was always portrayed to me. I’m ready now. Maybe not for a “relationship” but definitely a relationship! The way I define it.

m.

 *Rise Against

 “The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

We surround ourselves with friends. Why? Because we enjoy their company? Or maybe we’re just afraid of being alone, afraid of being lonely. But isn’t there’s a difference between being lonely and being alone?

There are times when I’m alone and yet feel anything but lonely, or when I’m anything but alone and I feel lonelier then I’ve ever felt in my life.

There’s a song that asks the question, “Have you ever been alone in a crowded room before?” It happens. Sometimes that’s when I feel the most alone. BUT for those times when I do have my friends around these are for you…

J.B.

Where to begin?

You’re my other half

You know me better then I know myself

Even when we’re apart I can still know what you’re thinking

You’re the sister I never had

The friend I always needed

The bestie I’ve always wanted

You’re amazing, beautiful, and something special

I love you so much

Always have, always will

J.R.

You changed me

You made me complete

You believed in me

You never let me give up

I trusted you and you never let me down

You gave me hope

You were my bestie away from home

You let me open up

You made me not afraid to love

You were my life, my all, my everything

I will never forget you

I love you

A.K.

You made me real

You made me brave

You made me not afraid to be me

You liked me from the start

You never judged me, not even a bit

You loved me

You taught me

You never let me down

You let me become the person I needed to be

You were my inspiration

I love you and always will

C.G.

We spent so little time together

Yet it changed my life forever

You are so strong and brave and fearless

You’re an inspiration for my life

You came alive off campus

Which made me love you more

I realized we were more alike

Then I’d ever thought before

You are there when I need you most

And for that I can’t thank you enough

I love you more than words can say

For you helped me find my way

m.

*Jack’s Mannequin

“And Hansel said to Gretel, ‘Let us drop these breadcrumbs… so that together we find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things.’

What do you do when the one thing you’ve known for the past 15 years suddenly gets ripped out from beneath you? In august of 2008 I attended Bob Jones University. I almost lost myself, but the one thing that held me together was knowing that once I returned home, I would have the structure I’ve always known. I grew up in a very strict brethren bible chapel, but since it was all I knew I loved it. I had my friends, I taught Sunday school, awana, VBS, I sang and memorized most of the hymns,  was baptised, and I even wore the head covering, I was the perfect bible chap. At least on the outside.

A few weeks before I was to head home from school my parents came to visit me. They told me they had something to tell me, and as I sat there and listened to what they were saying I realized nothing was ever going to be the same. A circumstance had arisen in our church that basically meant we would no longer be attending there anymore. Everything I knew, my friends, it was all gone.

The last couple weeks of school were the hardest. I didn’t know what to expect at home and I almost didn’t want to go back to it. The unknown. One of the scariest things to face.

It’s been 6 months now. I still haven’t attended church.

Basically I’ve given up on churches. God? No not at all. My walk with Gad has grown more this summer then it ever has before. It’s impossible to please everyone. My friend once said,

“People will always have enemies. If everyone liked you, then there is something wrong with you. Probably you are a hypocrite….because somewhere along the line you are going to offend someone.”

And it’s true! But you know what, it’s not impossible to please God. All he wants is your very best, and by not trying to please other people I have a lot more time to be my best for God. I can be myself, because  He loves ME! the way He created me.

Yes, I lost myself this year, and it was the “most cruel” of things, but I also found myself and that made it all worthwhile!

m.

*Justin Timberlake